


If I Could Tell Him

by ohshititsjay



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Based on a Dear Evan Hansen Song, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Boys In Love, Fluff, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2018-06-04
Packaged: 2019-05-18 00:37:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14842238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohshititsjay/pseuds/ohshititsjay
Summary: Connor Murphy was the definition of fucked up. He suffered from depression, scars lined the insides of his arms, he was the disappointment in his family. Connor smoked pot to take the edge off of things, to help him feel normal. He would scream and lash out at those he held dear, wanting someone to feel the pain that was swirling around inside of him. Connor was fucked up, and he knew it.





	If I Could Tell Him

Connor Murphy was the definition of fucked up. He suffered from depression, scars lined the insides of his arms, he was the disappointment in his family. Connor smoked pot to take the edge off of things, to help him feel normal. He would scream and lash out at those he held dear, wanting someone to feel the pain that was swirling around inside of him. Connor was fucked up, and he knew it.

Yet that didn't stop the butterflies that fluttered in his stomach when he saw a certain honey brunette. How Connor’s cheeks would burn when the boy smiled, causing the taller teen to turn his head away to avoid eye contact. Seeing that boy’s dull green eyes brighten up when he would babble on about trees melted Connor’s heart.

Connor Murphy was in love with Evan Hansen.

But he couldn't go up to the boy and tell him that, not when he knew that Evan had a major crush on his sister. It hurt, but Connor knew it was for the best. His sister, Zoe, was perfect. She was the guitarist for their school's jazz band. Zoe was the golden child out of the two of them. She passed every class and she was sweet and nice. Zoe was everything that Connor was not.  Everyone loved her while they feared him. 

So he didn't know how on earth Evan ended up sitting on his bed across from him. Those green eyes that Connor could get lost in staring up at the galaxy the taller teen painted only a month ago. 

Connor could remember how he had screamed at the boy for no reason about a letter he had wrote before running out of the building. The next thing he knew, Hansen was looking down at him in a painfully white room. Tears brimmed those eyes, fear and worry evident in them.

The boy had explained everything to Connor then, about the letter being an assignment from Evan’s therapist. Connor had felt like an idiot right then and there. 

After that visit at the hospital, Connor’s parents thought that Hansen was his friend. They ended up having Connor invite Evan over to their house once he was out of the hospital and was recovering at home. 

At first it was awkward. Neither of the two said a word as they sat on Connor's bed before Connor had decided to break the ice. He asked what the boy was into and that sent Evan on an thirty minute rant about trees. Connor thought it was cute, not that he would ever admit that to anyone. 

Soon the weekly visits turned into daily ones, Evan coming over after school to hang out with Connor. They both never planned on that happening, but as the weeks turned into months, they became really close. 

Connor had learned more about Evan and vice versa. Which led back to this moment. The boy Connor had fallen for, staring at his new art work for what felt like the millionth time. He could see the awe in Hansen’s eyes, a small smile tugging his lips into a lopsided grin that Connor loved so much.

After a moment, Evan finally pulled his gaze away from Connor's galaxy. He watched as the boy suddenly became anxious, which Connor was used to by now. Hansen bit his lip, like he was contemplating on saying something which earned a raised eyebrow from Connor.

“You okay, Hansen?” Connor's voice was gentle and smooth, not wanting to scare the other.

Evan looked up at Connor, his cheeks immediately turning a light shade of red from embarrassment. 

“Y-Yeah, no, I'm fine. Perfectly okay.” Evan stammered out nervously. Connor furrowed his brows together, clearly not believing the other. Evan sighed softly, glancing down at his hands. “I just have a lot on my mind, it's nothing.”

Connor pursed his lips at that. “You know you can tell me, Ev.” 

The boy let out a nervous chuckle as hr began to tug on the hem of his polo shirt. Evan's eyes never leaving Connor's comforter as he took a deep breath. 

“Me and Zoe sometimes hang out during lunch, and we talk.” Evan closed his eyes, nervously clutching his shirt in his fist. 

Connor looked away, biting his lip hard as he waited for Evan to continue.

“We um we actually talk about you. She always has something negative about you.” He heard the boy sigh. 

“Yeah, what do you expect from the sister of the future school shooter?” Connor said dryly. He looked over at Evan, who gave him a small pout. 

“And I said,” Evan continued, “I said, there's nothing like your smile. Sort of scarce, yet perfect and real.” 

Connor felt his expression change from anger to shock, not expecting this at all. A soft blush blossomed onto Connor's cheeks as Evan's turned an even darker shade.

“I said,  you never know how wonderful that smile could make someone feel.” Evan now looked away from Connor, nervously fiddling with the rim of his shirt, yet Connor couldn't bring himself to look away from the anxious teen. “And I know when you get bored you like to fold up the ends of your sleeves. I noticed how you like to pick at the black nail polish that's on your nails.”

Connor then glanced down at said nails, seeing the chipped black paint that he got into the habit of picking at when he first started to paint them. He didn't know why Evan knew all of this nor why he was telling him, but it made his heart skip a beat.

“But I kept it all inside my head. What I saw, I left unsaid. And though I wanted to, I couldn't talk to you, I couldn't find away. But I would say,” Evan's voice brought Connor back to earth. Both teens faces were a dark shade of red. “If I could tell him, tell him everything I see. If I could tell him that he was everything to me, but we’re a million worlds apart. And I don't know how I would even start...If I could tell him.”

Connor blinked, feeling his heartbeat against his chest. He swallowed hard. “Wow, is there more?” Connor's voice was quiet but loud enough for Evan to turn his gaze back onto Connor.

“No, no there is so much more!” The boy squeaked out before clearing his throat. “I thought you looked pretty cool with your hair put up in that bun.”

Connor subconsciously brought a hand up to his hair, he had forgotten that he had put it up. A small smile tugged at the corner of Connor’s lips. “You did?” His voice was light as he spoke. Evan gave a small nod, turning his body so he was now facing Connor.

“And I wondered how you learned to dress like the rest of the world didn't care,” Evan chuckled a little at that. Connor looked down his comforter, bit his lip as a smile formed onto his lips. “but I kept it all, inside my head. What I saw was left unsaid. If I could tell him, tell him everything I see. If I could tell him, that he's everything to me. But we're a million worlds apart, and I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell him...”

Connor glanced back up at Evan, seeing tears glistening in those green eyes he loved so much. “But what do you do when there's this great divide?”

“You just seemed so far away.” Connor said softly, scooting closer to Evan. 

“And what do you when the distance is too wide?” The tears began to make their way down the boy's decked cheeks. 

Connor cupped Evan's face in his hands, using his thumbs to gently wipe the tears away. “It's like you know everything…” Connor murmured.

“And how do you say, I love you?” Connor's eyes widened at that, he wanted to pull Evan into a hug but he couldn't bring himself to move. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” 

Connor had no idea that Evan felt the same way. It honestly shocked him more than anything. He looked down at the smaller boy, not able to bring himself to pull his hands away from his face.

“But we're a million worlds apart, and I don't know how I would even start. If I could tell you...if I could…” Evan trailed off then, his eyes meeting Connor's. 

Before Connor could think of what he was doing, he pressed his lips against the smaller boy’s. Evan gasps slightly before his eyes fluttered closed and kissed back. After a moment, they both pulled away. They rest their foreheads against each others, breathing in heavily. 

Connor closed his eyes before pulling the other into a tight hug. He buried his face into the crook of Evan's neck, tears starting to spill from Connor's eyes. He felt Evan's hand rub circles into his back, trying to comfort him.

Connor was fucked up, he knew this. So he couldn't understand how Evan liked him. How he could deal with Connor, but he couldn't bring himself to care at that moment. He was happy. Connor ended up pulling away, his eyes red and puffy from crying.

“I love you, too.” He uttered out. Evan reached over, wiping away his tears before pressing his lips against Connor's forehead. Connor let out a soft laugh, sniffling lightly, as he pulled Evan down his him so that they were laying down facing each other. 

They smiled at each other, not caring that they both look like a mess. They were happy just being there together. Evan pressed their foreheads together and not long after, the two boys fell asleep in each others arms.


End file.
